


Ocean's Adaptated Universe

by maliwanhellfire



Series: Ocean's AU [1]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Ocean's Trilogy AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-05
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-04-30 04:56:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5151104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maliwanhellfire/pseuds/maliwanhellfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In this Ocean's Trilogy AU Dorian is Tess, Bull is Danny and Krem is Rusty.</p><p>Gaspard is Terry Benedict, for some reason.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In this Ocean's Eleven AU my Adaar has an Australian accent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deal with the... anachronism? I'm not sure what to call that.  
> But you know, most canonical lesbians in games these days are Australian so... She almost had to be.

“You know, I’m a lezzo, and this is still the best part of my day,” Ink said, shaking her head with a little sigh. 

Krem watched as Gaspard’s boyfriend strode down the staircase, not a hair out of place, even at the end of the day. The man’s clothes were Orlesian couture, but with some asymmetry, to give them a Tevinter flair. He was wearing black and gold, his coat buttoned so you could only see a little of the crimson red shirt he was wearing. 

He looked good, but Dorian had always looked good. 

 

—

 

“Tell me this isn’t about screwing the guy who’s screwing your ex-husband,” Krem said. 

“Well, not entirely,” Bull replied. 

 

—

 

“What are you doing here?” Dorian asked.

The smile that had been on his face faded until it was as if it had never been there. Faded once Dorian saw Bull, because of Bull. Bull kept his own smirk front and center. It was easier than being honest.

“I’m out,” Bull said.

“Old news,” Dorian said, raising an eyebrow. 

“Of prison. They said I’d paid my debt.”

“Tell that to our joint bank account,” Dorian replied.

“I can’t see your necklace, Kadan,” Bull said. 

“I sold it,” Dorian said. “Now your other half is a collector of Qunari nick knacks.”

Bull laughed, and it was a small huff of a thing. Dorian was next to him, less than a foot away, for the first time in years, and he’d never felt more distant. He looked just as he had when they’d first met, handsome and stern, but Bull knew his tells better. There was still something there, small and hurting though it was, it was still  _there_. 

“Bull, you need to leave,” Dorian said, a little closer to worried than to firm. 

“Because of Gaspard?” Bull asked. 

“ _Bull_ …”

“You’re doing a wonderful job with his library, saw you got a hold of one of the first grimoires… You can really feel the terror coming off it.”

“What is this about, Bull?” Dorian asked. 

“I came here for you,” Bull said. “I want to move on with my life, and I want to do it with you.”

“You’re a liar and a criminal,” Dorian said. 

“I only lied about being a criminal, and I don’t do that anymore.”

“What, break the law?”

“Lie to you.”

“That’s not much of a distinction, Bull.”

“It is to me,” Bull said. 

Dorian was silent. 

“Listen, Dorian-”

“Katoh,” Dorian said, eyes shining. 

Bull breathed in deep, and nodded. Then he left. 

 

—

 

“Turn to channel eighty eight,” Skinner said, before hanging up.

She hadn’t given her name, but he’d known it was her. It had to be, since he’d seen all the rest of them loitering around corners and in alleys, for days. 

He rolled his eyes and told himself he wasn’t going to take the bait. He wasn’t going to turn on his television and he wasn’t going to watch whatever insipid…

“If I told you I could get your money back, if you gave up Dorian, would you do it?” Bull asked. 

The thing he would remember later would be the spark of hope he’d felt before Gaspard opened his mouth. The trust that had been so hard won…

“Yes,” Gaspard said. 

It all turned to ashes in Dorian’s mouth. 

Wasn’t that always the way?

 

—

 

Bull saw Dorian, one last time, as the police drove him away from the hotel. He’d been standing on the walkway, looking out into traffic. Looking so lost, just like he had when Bull went away the first time. He wasn’t slumped, but the proud line of his back had weakened. Defeated. 

He did not look at Bull, if he noticed him at all. 

 

—

 

“Most people lose weight in prison,” Krem said, when he came to pick him up. 

“Most people don’t need more than two belts to keep their pants up,” Bull replied. 

Krem snickered, patting Bull on the arm as they walked to Krem’s car. Bull took it in, a five door sedan that would still have some trouble fitting him. 

“Got you a present,” Krem said, handing Bull an envelope. 

Bull opened it and saw half a dragon’s tooth, and a note in Dorian’s writing. It was an address and one word, ‘maybe’. 

“How’d you get this?” Bull asked. 

“Ink got to him, called him Uncle Dorian and talked you up.”

“Huh,” Bull said. “So, how many people tailing you?”

“Maybe five.”

“Well, let’s go for a spin and see about getting rowdy,” Bull said. 

Krem smiled, with all his teeth.

“Yes,  _Sir,”_ He said. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of these scenes keep close to the dialogue in the original... mainly because I thought people would think it was funny, and also so that people who had watched the movies could see instances where the responses would be different. This is, in many ways, a parody and commentary on the Ocean's Eleven films.


	2. In this Ocean's Twelve AU I address how messed up it is that Danny left Tess behind with her shitty Ex.

“You look nice,” Bull said. 

He reached across the table to take Dorian’s hand loosely in his own. Dorian smiled and it was a soft thing, vulnerable in a way Dorian hadn’t been in years. Not with Bull. 

“I always look nice,” Dorian said quietly. 

“Yeah, you do.”

Dorian laughed. Bull enjoyed it. 

“You look good in a shirt,” Dorian said. “I’m surprised you were willing to wear one outside work hours.”

Bull leaned over to kiss Dorian’s knuckles, and his eye flicked over to the jewelry shop across the street. The owner was closing up. Time was 7:16. 

When he looked back, Dorian was looking at him, and he was no longer smiling. 

“You’re doing reconnaissance,” Dorian said. 

It sounded like a question but Bull knew it wasn’t. 

“It’s not like that…”

“At least I know why you made our reservation earlier, and here I thought you were happy to see me.”

“Dorian…”

Dorian picked up Bull’s glass, filled to the brim with fine Orlesian effervescence, and threw it into his face. He then took his own glass in one hand, and the bottle in the other. 

“Do not call me anymore,” Dorian said. 

And then he walked out.

 

—

 

Dorian was uncomfortably aware of his terrible taste in men, but that really wasn’t his worst quality as a human being. His worst quality was that most of them, at one time or another, would remember the good times and try to get him back into bed again. It usually did not work. 

It spoke to how fractured his self-esteem was that he was considering using Gaspard for a revenge fuck. 

“I have missed you, Dorian,” Gaspard said. 

“Mmmm,” Dorian said. 

“A little birdy told me you were seeing the Bull again…”

“Not anymore.”

Gaspard leaned over to kiss Dorian’s throat. Dorian allowed it, but it wasn’t exactly inspiring. Not awful, just not great. 

“I was wondering,” Gaspard said, pausing to place a kiss behind Dorian’s ear. “If you could give the Bull and his Chargers a little message for me.”

Dorian’s blood turned cold, and he remembered just who he was getting into bed with. Who he had been in bed with, and why Bull had hated him so much. Dorian pushed Gaspard away from his throat, ire rising as Gaspard smiled at him. 

“Why is it that lately I only seem to get fucked metaphorically?” Dorian asked. 

“I do know where he is.”

“Then go see him yourself and leave me out of it.”

“I thought this might be more civilized.”

Dorian raised his hand and filled it with fire. Gaspard watched with an amused look on his face. 

“We do civilization differently in Tevinter,” Dorian said. 

“Hmmm, that little ‘niece’ of yours, she’s near Tevinter, isn’t she?” Gaspard asked. “Raising horses with her pretty girlfriend.”

Gaspard seemed to realize his mistake after he made it, because the flames in Dorian’s hand only grew in size. 

“Gaspard,” Dorian said. “You can measure your dick against Bull’s all you like, and you will _always_  come up short. But if you take any sort of boot to that girl, I will make it so there is nothing left of you to use as evidence at my trial.”

Gaspard watched as a coil of flame curled around Dorian’s arm and up to his neck, resting there. 

“Are we clear?”

“I never should have told him ‘yes’,” Gaspard said, sounding wistful. 

“Probably not,” Dorian replied. 

“I still want Bull to give me my money back, with interest…”

“If he doesn’t know that, he’ll know it soon,” Dorian said. “He bugged my apartment.”

 

—

 

“Ohhh, shit,” Stitches said, from his surveillance station. 


	3. In this Ocean's Twelve AU I use my Adaar again because I just need something nice right now you guys and she's Linus.

“Hi Uncle Dorian!” Ink said.

She smiled brightly even though they were talking over the phone. People could hear it when someone smiled, and she thought it helped keep the crippling stress out of her voice. 

“Ink, my dear, I do so love hearing from you,” Dorian said. “But you do know that I am not your uncle…”

“You are in my heart,” Ink said. 

There was silence on the other end of the line. Emotional declarations tended to bring Dorian to a standstill until he had time to process them. She thought of it as rendering time. 

“What did he do?” Dorian asked. 

“I don’t even know how to explain it, honestly,” Ink said. “And I’m real sorry about how this has all panned out.”

“Ink…”

“He’s family, you know? So I feel like I’m committed.”

“Ink.”

“And it’s not like I think you should forgive him, there’s some things he should’ve handled differently, and he’s having a hard time admitting it because he’s never had to make amends like this before, and he thinks he can talk his way out of it.”

“Ink!”

“He’s been really upset.”

“Ink, what do you want?”

“Uncle Dorian I really don’t want Gaspard to kill me, I have so much to live for,” Ink said, her voice finally breaking. 

Dorian sighed loudly. 

“Where are you?” He asked. 

—

 

Nevarra was lovely in the Summer. It had a wonderful, balmy climate, and since it was a lesser version of Orlais, it was cheap to visit. It also had acceptable wine.

“Hello, Cassandra,” Dorian said.

“Hello, Dorian,” Cassandra said. 

She looked at him with disgust, but it was a fonder disgust than she leveled at most people. Dorian was touched. 

“So, I heard that both of our exes were in town.”

“Varric is not my ex,” Cassandra said. 

“Of course not. Any resemblance you bear to fictional heroines in his books is purely coincidental.”

“What?” Cassandra asked, her face turning charmingly red. 

For so deadly a person, Cassandra had always been frightfully easy to manipulate, with the right stimulus. Dorian thought it was one of her finer qualities. Her romantic heart still did beat valiantly, in the face of a cruel world. Dorian’s was small and black and twitched only occasionally. 

“That is not true,” Cassandra said.

“Is,” Dorian replied. 

“I would know, I read… I mean,” Cassandra stopped speaking and growled in annoyance. 

“Captain of the guard; she’s you with a palette swap.”

Cassandra looked like she was about to faint, but then her eyes flicked to the surveillance monitors behind him and Dorian knew he was scuppered. She hardened like clay baked in the sun. 

“Dorian, I do not appreciate being toyed with in this way,” Cassandra said. 

“I’d feel better about it if I was lying,” Dorian said. “He really doesn’t deserve you.”

“I do not know if you were more or less awful before you met the Bull.”

“I was certainly a different  _kind_  of awful.”

Cassandra held up her radio and spoke into it.

“Would all security in the east wing please converge on the Mortalitasi exhibit,” Cassandra said. “Suspect is a female Kossith with a fake pregnancy bump and a comically large hat. She is accompanied by a dwarf, an elf, and an exceptionally hirsute man.”

She put her radio down and pulled out her cuffs. She had two sets, but she was kind enough to choose the pair without magic-suppressing runes. 

“You are a good friend,” Dorian said, holding out his wrists. 

“I know,” She said. 

 

—

 

“I’m sorry,” Bull said. 

Dorian tried to cross his arms but found he couldn’t, not with the cuffs still on. It made him feel weirdly vulnerable, so he crossed his legs instead. 

“I kind of went off the rails when I got disavowed, I was used to being the one with all the answers…”

“I don’t want to be with you if all I am is a pet project for you to tinker with,” Dorian said. “I des- I want better.”

“Yeah, you do. You deserve better,” Bull said. 

Dorian stared out the van window and watched the trees flick by. They were still in the city proper, but Nevarrans liked their horticulture, and they fitted it in where they could. Dorian heard Bull shifting next to him, and pretended he wasn’t hyper-aware of everything Bull did. That he wasn’t desperate for Bull to give him any excuse to forgive him. 

“Thank you for looking out for Ink, I know you did it for her and not me, but I’m still grateful.”

“She’s a sweet girl,” Dorian said. “I like her.”

“While you’re here, I just wanted to say… I’m also sorry about dinner last week.”

“Oh for the love of Andraste, that is the last thing I want to talk about.”

“It was selfish of me.”

“Oh look, it states the obvious.”

“I wasn’t trying to use you, it’s just, it was always better with you,” Bull said. “Everything I do is better when you’re there.”

Dorian’s breath hitched. 

 

—

 

“I am so mad at Bull,” Yenaan said, undoing the top button of her work shirt so she could breathe better. 

“Sorry mum,” Ink said. 

“The paperwork for this is going to take forever, and you know I’m happy to do it for you, darling, you’re so careful about these things, and you ask so rarely. I just think he’s taking advantage of your better nature.”

“Sorry mum,” Ink said again. “I was trying to do it on my own, and I just couldn’t get it to work.”

“Stop saying sorry, don’t make me get out the jar again, I’ll take all your gold coins,” Yenaan said. “You have nothing to be sorry for, you did a wonderful job, and I am very proud of you.”

Sera brayed out a short laugh on Ink’s other side. She stiffened and lost all expression when Yenaan turned her gaze onto her instead. 

“Who are you?” She asked. 

“Mum, this is my girlfriend,” Ink said. “I told you about her over the phone.”

“I don’t know if I like you,” Yenaan said, narrowing her eyes at the elf. 

Sera gulped. 

 

—

 

“Allo,” Zevran said, wiggling his brows at Dorian and Bull, as he opened his front doors. 

Bull brightened. Dorian glared. 

“That will not be happening,” Dorian said. “Your grimoire is a fake, pay Gaspard his money, never darken our door again.”

“Ah, so you worked things out!” Zevran said, smiling happily. 

“Yeah,” Bull said, squeezing the arm he had around Dorian’s shoulder. 

“Well, if you ever change your mind about my offer, I know where you live,” Zevran said. 

Specifically. That exact phrasing, specifically.

“I hate Antiva and everything in it,” Dorian said. 


	4. In this Ocean's Thirteen AU certain people don't get shafted by the script.

“I told Dorian it wasn’t his fight,” Bull said. 

“How’d he take that?” Krem asked. 

Dorian glared at the side of Bull’s head. Krem hadn’t seen him blink in minutes. 

“He was a bit annoyed, honestly,” Bull said.


	5. In this Ocean's Thirteen AU I had to think really hard about a good substitute for Bank.

Varric had never liked Bartrand. They’d always been a strange mirror to one another, too similar in ego, not similar enough anywhere else. Still, while Varric had not loved him, he had always been loyal enough to his brother. Had always worked with him, when the task was big enough. 

He should’ve known better than to actually partner with him in a commercial venture. Casinos made way too much money for Bartrand to be rational about it.

“Sign over your half of the business,” Bartrand said. 

They were facing each-other, but Varric didn’t have Bianca, and Bartrand never went anywhere without a Kossith guarding him. A great big Ben Hassrath-trained Kossith. There wasn’t much Varric could do to the guy, aside from punch him in the knees.

“Bartrand you’re such an asshole,” Varric said. 

“Sign or I throw you off the building,” Bartrand replied. 

“You wouldn’t,” Varric said. 

 

—

 

“Turns out he would,” Varric said. 

 

Varric should’ve died. Almost had, after falling twelve storeys, right on top of a dumpster full of loosely-stacked cardboard. If he’d landed a metre or so either side he would have. He’d been in traction for about a week, and he’d been in reasonable spirits until he got a letter saying ‘the skip was an accident’. 

Bartrand had gotten his signature while Varric was high on morphine, a day before the Chargers arrived. 

“What an asshole,” Bull said, earning a punch to the arm from Dorian. 

“Varric,” Ink said. “Is there anything we can do?”

“Not really,” Varric replied. “Not much anyone can do, with him so lawyered up. He’s got this round in the bag.”

“We could-” Krem said, before Varric cut him off. 

“I need some sleep, guys,” Varric said. 

And after that he stopped talking entirely. 

 

—

 

“This is beyond my purview,” Stitches said. “Physically he’s in recovery, slowly, but he is. Mentally though…”

“I’ve never seen him like this,” Bull said. 

“Has somebody called Hawke?” Krem asked. 

“I contacted his loved ones,” Dorian said. “But you know how difficult they are to find.”

“How’d you manage?” Sera asked. “I couldn’t find Hawke at all.”

“There’s ways to get through to them,” Dorian replied. 

He wasn’t looking at anyone. Dorian was examining his nails instead, pausing to look at his own reflection in the gloss. His phone rang and he hit answer, followed by speaker. 

“ _What do you mean ‘he’s dead’?”_ Cassandra shouted through the speaker. 

Tearily. 

His call waiting tone started up immediately after, and he put Cassandra on hold. 

“How’d you time that?” Bull asked, looking at Dorian with something like disappointment. 

“Didn’t,” Dorian replied, unphased. “I put the obituary up half an hour ago.”

 

—

 

“I’m going to kill Bartrand,” Cassandra said. “And then I am going to kill you.”

Beside her Hawke was nodding angrily, his nostrils flaring with the strength of his pique. Fenris was standing behind the both of them, looking equally annoyed, but probably more because Dorian was existing than anything else. Dorian fiddled with his moustache, looking between the three of them. 

“Mmm,” he said. “Tell me this, would you have picked up if I’d managed to call you?”

All three of them glared, but harder. 

“Thought so. But now you’re all here, and Bartrand is here, and Varric is here, and anything you might like to do about that is right within your grasp.”

Cassandra clenched her fists and looked away. Hawke folded his arms, and Fenris just kept glaring because that was what he was good at. 

“Kadan, you are diabolical,” Bull said. 

“You’re lost without me,” Dorian said. “ _not my fight_ , what a load of tosh.”

“I’ve got admit, I’ve no idea why I said that,” Bull replied.

“Seemed a bit out of character, I’ll admit,” Krem said. 

 

—

 

“We should offer Bartrand the Billy Martin,” Ink said. 

“No,” Hawke replied. 

“It would be best for Varric,” Blackwall said. 

“ _No,”_ Hawke said. 

“I think we should just fill his office full of bees,” Sera said. 

 

—

 

“If Varric didn’t see it coming then he’s no better than a human,” Bartrand said. “And I have no use for him.”

“So you won’t do right by him?” Bull asked.

“This is what’s right,” Bartrand replied.

Bull left without saying another word. He spent the rest of the day expressing himself against a punching bag, and then he went to bed early.

 

—

 

They planned.

 

—

 

Cassandra did not consider herself a delicate sort. Words had never come easily to her, as they had to others. She could be direct when she had a direction. When she didn’t she was just lost. 

“Could you read these to him,” Dorian asked, handing her a small stack of letters. “I’ve heard positive messages get through.”

“I can try,” Cassandra said. 

“I can too,” Hawke said. 

Dorian smiled at the both of them, and it was far too sweet an expression for his smug face. 

“Delightful,” Dorian said. 

 

—

 

“I think this is vintage erotica,” Hawke said, three missives in. 

Cassandra turned red, and then redder. Varric kept staring at the ceiling, but his lips didn’t seem to be quite so turned down. 

 

—

 

“We’ve got cashflow issues,” Ink said. 

“I’ve put everything I’ve got into this,” Bull said. 

“Me too,” Krem said. 

“We all have,” Hawke added. 

“I haven’t,” Dorian said. 

They all looked at him. 

“I keep a nest egg in case he leaves me again,” Dorian said, pointing a thumb at Bull. “I refuse to feel bad about it.”

Bull shrugged.

“We’re still building trust,” he said. 

 

—

 

Zevran looked good, but then he always did. He’d been holidaying in Southern Orlais and his skin was golden from the sun. He was wearing a tshirt that probably cost more than Dorian’s watch, and pants that had possibly been sewn on. 

“I would be happy to assist you in this venture,” Zevran said. “In exchange for a night with-”

“No.” Dorian said. “No. No. No.”

“You do not even know what I am asking for!”

“I can guess.”

“You are so cruel to me,” Zevran said. “I like it.”

Zevran winked at Bull, and Bull returned it. Probably. It was hard to tell with the one eye. 

“Not to push, Dorian, but why do you hate the idea so much?” Bull asked later. “Is it another trust thing?”

“Yes,” Dorian said, followed by a sigh. “No. I don’t know.”

“You have an idea, though.”

Dorian looked up at Bull, his face lined with mild disgust. 

“I refuse to sleep with an Antivan,” Dorian said. Then he shivered.

 

—

 

Yenaan looked at them, looked at every single one of them, her gaze moving slowly across the room. The weight of her judgment was palpable, growing even heavier when her eyes passed over Sera. She softened only when she looked upon her own daughter. 

“Hi mum!” Ink said, waving. 

“Hello, love,” Yenaan said, smiling for a moment. 

She dropped it near-immediately and turned her attention onto Hawke. 

“So,” she said. “You want me to help take out Bartrand Tethras?”

“Yes,” Hawke said.

He could feel sweat running down his back and wilfully ignored it. Fenris was tense beside him, but he didn’t want to give in to weakness and take Fenris’ hand. 

“If I give you a loan,” Yenaan said. “ _If_ … then I will be reimbursed for my investment immediately. First money out. And if I ever need a favour, I expect to receive it, or you shall receive a bullet to the chest.”

“Mum!” Ink cried. 

“Not you, darling, you know I like you,” Yenaan said, pausing for a moment. “Or Dorian, I’m rather fond of Dorian.”

Dorian blew her kiss and she pretended to catch it. Bull looked at him with blatant surprise. 

“What?” Dorian asked. “I am allowed to have friends.”

 

—

 

It began very simply, as many things do. 

“A friend of mine, a very serious man, told me very seriously that it would be a good idea to leave your hotel, Bartrand,” Gaspard said. “I’m taking his advice.”

“Is it one of Varric’s ridiculous cronies?” Bartrand asked. 

“Eh,” Gaspard said. 

“I hate to see you go,” Bartrand said. 

It sounded like a threat. Because it was. 

“Bye, Bartrand,” Gaspard said. “See you on the other side.”


	6. In this Ocean's Thirteen AU I conclude the whole damn thing.

Cassandra looked down at Bartrand as if were a slug beneath her foot, as opposed to dwarf of average dimension. There was a nuance to it. She tended to be able to look down her nose at people of all heights, and she’d been gifted with something of a resting bitch face. 

The whole effect was much more vibrant when she was working at it. 

“I know you’re responsible for my guests leaving,” Bartrand said. “Varric always spoke very fondly of you. I can see you reciprocate the sentiment.”

It was not a compliment, nor did it sound like one. 

“What you did to him was despicable. To do that to anyone, let alone family…”

“You humans have no understanding of dwarf culture,” Bartrand replied. 

Cassandra made a noise of disgust. 

“You’re a monster,” Cassandra said. 

“Bring them back and I’ll give Varric ten per cent of their losses, every night,” Bartrand said. 

“If you don’t, I’ll stick you like a pig.”

Bartrand was silent for a moment.

“That was very violent,” he said.

“I am a very violent person,” Cassandra replied. 

 

—

 

“Ok, bring them back,” Dorian said, into his burner phone.

It was a Nokia, and it came with ‘snake’ and a little flashlight. Dorian honestly didn’t want to part with it. It made him feel young. 

“Convince me,” Gaspard said. 

“Gaspard, I’ve no wish to flirt with you,” Dorian said. “Do what you promised you’d do.”

“I just miss you, is all,” Gaspard replied. 

“I’m fairly sure Bull has a tap on my phone.”

“Let’s make him jealous!”

“Have you… taken anything?”

There was silence for a moment.

“Alright, so, it’s possible Stitches asked me to try out something called a ‘Gilroy’, but I feel fine.”

“Gaspard, you’ve been dosed with chemical hormones.”

“If I go back to the hotel, will you dance with me?”

“I think Stitches was, as they say, fucking with you.”

“I love you.”

Dorian did not reply. He did not reply for many minutes. Finally, Gaspard coughed into the receiver.

“I’ll be at the casino in an hour,” he said.

“You better,” Dorian replied. 

 

—

 

Varric arrived at the Tethras casino his hand looped over Cassandra’s arm. He looked tired, but contented. Part of that may have had to do with the leather pants Cassandra was wearing. They were inspiring. 

They were also Dorian’s. He and Cassandra possessed similar measurements below the waist. 

“I feel ridiculous,” Cassandra said, as they walked out onto the casino floor.

“Well you look nice,” Varric said. 

Truthfully, she looked more than ‘nice’, but any firmer response than that tended to send her into an emotional lockdown. His first night out since landing in a trash receptacle was no time for that. Varric just wanted to have a pleasnat evening with a terrifying woman. 

“Do you think Bartrand got my present?” Varric asked. 

“Yes,” Cassandra replied. 

A man walking past them looked directly at Varric’s eyes, flicked his thumb at Cassandra and then mouthed ‘nice’. 

“Do you know that man?” she asked.

“Yeah, definitely,” Varric replied. 

 

—

 

The box said ‘To my brother, no hard feelings.’

There was a gold pen inside. Bartrand put it in his pocket, and made his way to the security centre.

 

 

—

 

It wasn’t a pen. It was a fucking magnetron.

 

—

 

If you haven’t seen the movie, let me summarize thus:

When the security centre of a casino is down, you can get away with pretty much anything. 

 

—

 

“I know what a ‘reverse big store’ is,” Bartrand said, as all of his customers ran out of his casino, arms loaded with chips and cash. 

“Awesome,” Bull said. 

“You haven’t won, you know,” Bartrand said. “They’ll just come back, and I’ll get all my money back with them.”

“Doubtful,” Bull replied. 

Bartrand looked him in the eye.

“Why?” he asked, because he was not a fool entire.

“You have some serious safety issues. I think you’re going to be closed for months.”

“This casino is incredibly safe,” Bartrand replied. 

He heard disturbed giggling from behind him. He turned and saw a blonde elf, smiling like a demon from beyond the veil. She was holding a bent crowbar, and her shoes were wet. She also smelled terrible. 

“Oh,” Bartrand said. “I see your point now.”

“Regret throwing Varric off a building yet?” Bull asked.

“No,” Bartrand replied, to his credit.

 

—

 

In a small holiday house on the border of Tevinter, two people settled in, hoping to have a little quiet for a while. Hoping to figure out how to be a pair again. 

An Antivan elf knocked on their door. The door opened. 

“Fuck no,” Dorian said, and slammed it immediately.

“Aww,” Zevran said. 

He’d brought roses and everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sera and Ink got married. Yenaan glared at Sera throughout the service.


End file.
